Grandparents are being cast as a missing piece in the child mental health crisis, with a leading child psychologist arguing they can help fill gaps left by the decline of extended family support.

Dr Kenneth Barish, of Weill Cornell Medicine in New York City, said more than four out of 10 teenagers report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, as extended family and community support has weakened.

“We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most parents have now,” Barish said.

“Children need grandparents, and they always have.”

Barish said America has shifted over several decades toward “a society of I, not We”.

“In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children,” he said.

He said research shows intense pressure for achievement leads to high rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse in affluent communities.

In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Barish draws on four decades of clinical work, alongside neuroscience, child development research, and educational programs for children, to argue that grandparents can help with modern parenting challenges.

“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress,” Barish said.

“Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives.”

He pointed to studies reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin, which found helping others leads to improved self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function and a longer life.

Barish recommends volunteering together and having frequent family conversations from an early age about kindness and understanding the needs and feelings of others.

“These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose,” he said.

“They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more.”

Barish said grandparents also give what he calls “molecules of emotional health”, moments of listening and encouragement that strengthen children’s “emotional immune systems”.

“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood,” he said.

“More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever.”

He said grandparents can also help by creating moments of “play and fun” that build positive emotions and by showing enthusiastic interest in children’s interests and goals.

Barish said the most common problem in his clinical work is not over-praising children, but unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members.

“The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism,” he said.

“Criticism does not motivate children to work harder.

“Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort.”

Citing Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset,” Barish said praise should focus on effort rather than fixed ability.

“Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”

Barish said children’s behavior can be challenging, and his book offers 21 rules to promote cooperative behavior based on research and clinical insights, including collaborative problem-solving conversations and giving children a chance to “reset”, which he suggests is more effective than punishment.

“Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride,” he said.

“Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose.”

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