As youth mental health struggles keep climbing, a child psychologist says grandparents can do something simple and powerful: listen.

More than 40 percent of U.S. teenagers report ongoing feelings of sadness or hopelessness, according to material provided by Taylor and Francis Group. Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, said the decline of extended family involvement has helped fuel what the U.S. Surgeon General has described as a continuing crisis in child and adolescent mental health.

“We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now,” says Dr. Barish, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. “Children need grandparents, and they always have.”

In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Dr. Barish draws on 40 years of clinical experience, along with findings from neuroscience, child development studies and educational programs, to argue that grandparents can help families deal with current parenting challenges.

He said grandparents can help push back against a cultural shift toward individual achievement over community and connection.

“Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We. In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children,” he explains.

Research has linked intense achievement pressure to higher rates of anxiety, depression and substance abuse, particularly in affluent communities. Dr. Barish argues children need a stronger sense of purpose beyond personal accomplishments.

“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress,” Dr. Barish writes. “Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives.”

The material says evidence reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin found helping others is associated with higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression, reduced school dropout rates, improved immune function and longer life expectancy.

Dr. Barish recommends volunteering as a family and regularly talking with children, starting at a young age, about kindness, empathy and other people’s feelings and needs.

“These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more.”

Dr. Barish said grandparents offer more than practical help for parents. He said they also provide what he describes as “molecules of emotional health,” small moments of encouragement, attention and understanding that strengthen children’s “emotional immune systems”.

“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood.

“More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever,” Dr. Barish explains.

He also highlights play, shared enjoyment and genuine enthusiasm for children’s interests and goals as ways to build emotional resilience and strengthen family relationships.

Dr. Barish said one of the most common parenting problems he sees is too much criticism, not too much praise.

“The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism,” Dr. Barish states. “Criticism does not motivate children to work harder. Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort.”

He also points to Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset” and encourages adults to focus praise on effort and learning rather than ability.

“Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”

In the book, Dr. Barish outlines 21 principles aimed at encouraging cooperation, including collaborative problem solving and giving children opportunities to “reset,” which he says works better than punishment.

“Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride. Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose.”

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